I'm so confused today. I don't know what to do to make things right. Everything's beyond my control, yet, I feel so guilty about what's happening.

I miss my Mahal. I miss him so much I'll have to find other ways to enjoy this life or I might do something I cannot undo later. I admit I have the tendency to get so depressed and then inflict pain on myself to the point of taking my own life. That's why I have to force myself to stay positive even if the world seems to be very heavy on my soldiers.

I'm fine with my neverending financial problems, I can only complain about it but it's there to stay anyways unless major changes are applied on my life. I'm ok with being alone at night. Yes, I have my son, I take care of him everyday and it is a very challenging role but having your man beside you is different. I miss Mark all the time. Miss seeing him smile, miss feeling his touch, miss his warm embrace, miss his sweet kisses. But I can only wait... Everything's beyond my control. Sometimes, missing Mark drives me crazy. But I have to stay sane for my son's sake...

But what I cannot live with is seeing my one and only love in pain. It breaks my heart, it's like a knife on my heart. I don't wanna see him lonely, don't wanna see him crying, don't wanna see him broken, it's killing me, I can't take it. I might as well hurt myself than see Mark getting hurt.

I wanna be with him, if it's just up to me I wanna be with every single minute of my life... but I can only wait... and that, I'm willing to do just to be with him...

Ahhhh... Mahal... I love you...

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