Money Money Money
POSTED AT 08:30 AM in My Life and what's left of it..., People

I've always been a practical person like my Mom, both of us value the importance of financial stability especially when it comes to taking care of the family. But we never put money first in everything. For me, money is just an instrument to help give the happiness of my loveones but it doesn't make my world go round.

I grew up in a poor family. It was later in my grade school when Mama found success in her business. It was the start of a comfortable and materially blessed life. Mama's hard work though made me realize the importance of a well manage finance. Mama never owe anybody money. She taught me and my sister not to borrow from anybody, unless it is the last resort and we can pay it back as promised. I'm quite sure it is one of the ingredients of her success. Her financial capacity made people trust her and do business with her.

I was trying my best to be like Mom in that aspect. I was doing good I think, until I became a Mom. I thought, "Not fair! Mama was able to do it even when she's got four kids!" Well, I was considered "well-off" when I was not yet a member of the prestigious Mommyhood club. It was easy to see why. I worked hard, really hard. I even had two regular jobs before, working 16 hours a day. Work drove me crazy. It was what I needed that time too. I was hitting 3 birds in 1 stone -- working hard makes me forget my god-forsaken marital situation, it also keeps me busy and away from nonsense guys and it allows me to live comfortably and be gallant to my family as well.

But being a single Mom changed everything. I can't work 16 hours a day now, even if I just work at home. My son constantly needs attention and I have nobody here to give him the same attention that I can give.

I guess Mama's big advantage over me is the fact that she's got someone with her right from the start, her partner and friend, her confidant, her everything -- my Dad. Mama never had the privilege of a good education, nor a materially-blessed life like mine but if I'll compare my life at 29 with hers, I'll be eating her dust. My Mom at 29 is a successful businesswoman, with her own house and her own car. She's financially stable by the age of 30.

But I'm not complaining. I'm happy that my Mom made it and I'm proud of her. I'm also happy that I have a beautiful child, my own blood, my sweet and handsome son, a very intellectual and happy kid and wow, he's my son! He came from me! Who wouldn't be happy?

So why all these blah blah about finances? Duh!?

Well, the thought sprang from the fact that I am in the midst of a "legal situation" that involves money. It is a sad situation which will definitely affect my life --- for the worse Why worse? Because to be honest, my current financial situation is already bad. I mean, yeah, I am living in an ok house, which is good. I am able to feed me and my son three times a day, which is good. I am able to give my son the comfort that he deserves, which is good. I am able to live comfortably compared to a bigger slice of the population in this country, which is good. So where does the word "bad" comes in?

The fact that I have to wait for my salary every other week because I have no more cash left in my hand and I may need to buy this and that, pay this and that. The fact that I am always late in paying my bills, which could result in a lawsuit (yeah, ask me). The fact that I don't have enough money for myself but I have more than enough for my son or for my family. The fact that Mark still have to send me money in times of trouble. The fact that whenever my son is sick, I have to squeeze my brain for a way to get money so I can bring him to a doctor or buy him medicine. All these happen all the time. Even if I tell myself for countless times that I should have learned my lesson, I should save for the rainy days, I should pay my bills on time. I should be more responsible with my finances.

To no avail.

I'm still "suffering" from this financial situation. Is it time for me to accept that God really have forsaken me? I read somewhere in the bible that those who He have forsaken worked really hard but they're like putting money in a container with a hole. That no matter how hard they work, they still aren't financially capable nor stable. True, I am happy with my son, and I am definitely happy I have Mark. But is it time to believe my Dad? He told me that God will curse me. Or was it him who cursed me? Never mind. What I'm trying to say is that, my Dad said that I turned my back from God and by so doing, He will curse me. Is it happening? Is that the reason why no matter how hard I work I still find myself in insufficiency? Is that the reason why everytime I have money in my hands, something happens like my son getting sick? Is that the reason why I feel cursed?

I didn't turn my back from God, and I never will. But I guess turning my back from the church has got an impact to my life. I know I am blessed with Mark and Nico in my life. But the situation even makes me think "What if I bring the curse to Mark's life as well?" I wanted to talk to him about it sometimes but I am afraid he'll decide to leave me when he realizes I can be cursed. I don't know what to do now. I have lots of thoughts inside my head. I can't even stop thinking about other women, who aren't even working but living comfortably. I can't stop comparing myself to them. I am working so hard, so hard damnit! While doing all I can to be the best Mom for my son, but why? Why this? Why now? Why me?

Ok. it's crying time again... got to unclog this brain...

 

Feeling: angry

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