Changes...
POSTED AT 10:34 AM in My Life and what's left of it...

I should make some...

Enough of those people who insults me -- people who are fond of making me feel sorry about myself. Enough of those who steps on me and makes me hate myself more and more each day. Enough of those who expects too much from me, who sees me as an inconvenience, who feels embarrassed of loving me, of being with me. Enough of those who cannot accept me for what I am.

Things must change...

I should be more confident about myself. I should know my options. I should know I have the right to choose. I should know I can be happy doing something else, being with someone else, being somewhere else. I should know I deserve more than this regretful situation. I should know I can demand something from someone. I should be more assertive, more aggressive, more sure of what's supposed to be mine and not. I should know I deserved to be happy.

I should change...

 

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He hopes... She prays...
POSTED AT 01:50 PM in My Life and what's left of it..., Writing for sanity's sake

They both know they were using each other.

The other needs physical pleasure while the other needs financial support. They came together to give each other what they want.

He's a man of age -- very experienced in the ways of life. She's a woman of pain -- vengeful and spiteful of her experiences in life.  They closed their eyes to the fact that they will only be using each other in the process, I guess deep within themselves, they wanted it to work out somehow.

He was hoping she could be the last woman in his life. He came to believe that he's falling in love. Yet, he's confused if it is his heart that's beating for her and not his groin. She on the other hand was praying that he could be the man that she's been waiting for. She too believed that she's falling in love. Yet, she can't be sure if she wants all of him or just his bank account.

He was thinking people are laughing at him, that a man of his age went out to start a relationship with a young woman and that young woman only wants his money. He believed it, not because he's sure it is the truth but because it seems more "intellectual" to believe it.

She was thinking people are laughing at her as well, that a woman of her class, her standing, would accept a man of his age and that man only wants her body. She believed it, not because she's certain of its truthfulness but because there seems to be no other explanation.

Storms came. The so-called relationship battled against the raging rain of doubts and wind of betrayals. Miraculously, it weathered the storms. They came out not unharmed, not free of the hurt and pain, but not totally wrecked. Somehow, they survived the storms. Maybe because they really do wanted this thing to work out. Inspite of all the doubts, inspite of all the discouraging words they hear from friends, inspite of all the problems, they did try their very best to make it through the storm.

Then the meteorite fell.

It was the last straw. She decided she wants to spend forever with him and so she started to turn a long-term plan into a reality. He thinks he wants to spend the rest of his life with her as well but he's not sure about working on a long-term plan right now. He's got so many other things to consider. She saw this as an insult to her, thinking he wouldn't want to give her an assurance. He saw her reaction as a pressure on him, thinking she just wanted to tie him onto her due to financial matters.

No one is sure what will happen next. No one wants to make the first move. She says, "que-sera-sera" whatever will be, will be. He says, "we'll see what's really meant to be".

And so he hopes, while she prays. Until when they're gonna do that. Nobody really knows.

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So I'm 28
POSTED AT 09:48 AM in My Life and what's left of it...

My aunt got married at 54!

I'm not scared of the thought that I won't find a man to spend the rest of my life with. I think I can manage without headache thank you. Hahaha! No offense meant guys, I just think I'm not cut out for a lovey-dovey relationship with ANY man. I do believe I am better off alone. No pressure, no worries, no pains, no heartaches...

I rather work hard for my son, to make sure he'll get the good future that he deserves.

I know nights will be cold, but I can always close my eyes and pretend it is warm. I have my son to keep me company, I know he loves me as much as I love him. Then there's my family to strengthen me when I feel so alone, especially my Mom who will never let me down. I have lots of friends to who will be there to brighten up my days. There's Floricel, Mafe, Ann, Jason, George, KC, Michelle, Emily, Bryan... the list is long Then I can be busy with work, and my writing engagements, and yes, there's a novel to finish...

So, I'll just take each day as it comes. No need to rush.

Listening to: Almost Over You...
Feeling: calm

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Heartaches
POSTED AT 09:26 AM in My Life and what's left of it..., That's what you call Music

Sad, isn't it? But they say life isn't complete without heartaches and pains. And the sooner you come to accept that fact, the better. So this is life huh? I guess it's much better than no life at all right?

I say I've been through too much heartaches in my life that I am sure I know what I am talking about. Yes, this field is my expertise. I've grown so accustomed to have my heart broken over and over again that honestly, it doesn't hurt anymore. I used to cry bucket of tears but now, I can't even wet a tissue! Oh my! It's as if I have been expecting that nothing will work out for me anymore and that just like my past relationships, this one will end too, and it did. It really is just a question of "When".

Nahhh, I'm not bitter about it. I did everything I can do, I put up a good fight, but the end has to come. It's inevitable. You see, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much love and trust I invest, everything is bound to end. But there's no way I'm gonna feel bitter, or feel pity for myself. Neither will I gonna blame myself for all those heartaches. I think I am sane enough not to inflict pain to myself. I didn't do it to myself, this is just fate working against my wants. That simple.

Listening to: Till My Heartaches End by Ella Mae Saison
Watching: my sleeping angel...
Feeling: amused

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To Love... Again and Again and Again and...
POSTED AT 09:37 AM in My Life and what's left of it..., Writing for sanity's sake

The deafening silence was finally broken by her controlled laughing.

"What's so funny?" Arnold finally managed to ask her.

She racked her brain for an excuse but can't seem to find anything plausible explanation so she decided to spill the beans.

"I just find it funny that my job requires me to solve other people's problem and I think I'm quite effective in doing so, but then I can't seem to solve my own problems" she lengthily explained.

Arnold looked at her as if she's the dumbest person on earth."That's given I think. I am not a computer hardware, I don't appear in your manuals" he sarcastically remarked.

"You know, you're right" she cooly replied. "You're far more difficult to configure than those networking equipment, and yes, I didn't find a manual of you that is why I am dealing with this stupid conversation right now" she carefully added. "I must applaud you though for admitting YOU are my problem" without another word, she rose and walked away.

"Wait, where do you think you're going? We're not done talking yet!" Arnold shouted after her.

She stopped walking and faced him again "Wrong, we are so done mister, goodbye" she started to walk away when she suddenly remembered something "And please, don't call me again, I'm not gonna answer the phone, not anymore... and this time, I mean it". She hailed a taxi and left Arnold standing there with a stunned look on his face.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

"That's it?" Kaye can't hide the disbelief in her voice.

Susan tried to gave her bestfriend her most charming smile but the smile quickly disappeared when she realized she can't get away with this one again. She sheepishly said "Well, at least it was over".

Kaye stared at her friend's once pretty and glowing face. She can't help but think how her relationship with that man made her physically, emotionally, mentally and socially "ugly". She walked over to where her friend is seated, kneeled down and embraced her warmly. "It's ok Sue, you can tell me everything, let go of the tears, let go of the burdens, I'm listening".

Susan's control broke. She held on to her friend tightly and cried like a baby. For the first time since she's learned about Arnold's betrayal, she finally shed her tears.

"I'm trying to be strong, trying my best to overlook the pain, but I can't do it anymore. Everyday, I feel myself dying again and again. It hurts more when he refuse to discuss it, when he shuts me off as if Im the one who did him wrong. Can't he see his silence is killing me? I want him to tell me he's not seeing the girl anymore, I want to hear him say he loves me more than that little boy she claimed that's his, I want him to assure me that everything will be fine, that nothing has changed, that the little boy's arrival won't change his feelings for me. God I love him so much that I was ready to forgive him for his infidelity, ready to accept the child as if my own, ready to forget that he's betrayed me after all these years..." Susan stopped talking, she can't bear the pain anymore.

Kaye held her friend even tighter, she needed her strength.

"What's wrong with me? First, Richard, now it's Arnold's turn. Am I not worthy of a good man?"

Kaye held Susan on both arms and told her firmly "Don't ever blame yourself Sue, this isn't your fault. You have been a loving and trusting person. Richard had seven years of your love and devotion and he had chosen to betray you and cancel your wedding just because his groin beats for another woman. Arnold had two of the best years in his life when you decided to give love a chance again. He wasted it by playing with fire with another woman. It's not your fault that those men aren't men enough to make you happy, it's certainly not your fault that they prefer to hurt you when you only gave them love. Don't ever blame yourself" Kaye wiped the tears on Susan's cheeks and embraced her once more.

"I'm so lucky to have a friend like you" Susan said. Kaye smiled and told her "You might regret saying that after you get a taste of my pasta. I will have to force you to eat since I cooked for more than 5 people and I have no idea what to do with it" Kaye laughed out loud when she saw the look on her friend's face. "Oh c'mon, my cooking's certainy not that bad huh!" Susan tried not to laugh "Oh I'm sure it's not that bad... I hope" she then laughed with her bestfiend.

"There, you're back to your old self at last"Kaye happily remarked.

"Thanks for the support Kaye, and thanks for listening" came a warm reply from Susan.

"That's what this friendship is for right? And don't worry, the deserving guy will come, a good person like you deserves a good man, I'm positive about that. And then, you won't be crying over worthless guys... not anymore"

Susan crossed her fingers and said "Well, 29 is not that old right? Hahaha! But of course I know someday I'll be happy with a man. I hope."

Listening to: To Love Again by U Turn
Watching: pictures, pictures and more pictures!
Feeling: creative

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The Queen of My Heart
POSTED AT 12:58 PM in My Life and what's left of it...

... is the best Mama in the world

Happy Birthday Mama... She really looks great, doesn't she? Look at her, she's already 48, but she looks 35, looking young and pretty like my younger sister, hehehe (I know I look mature for my age). Well, with the 20 year gap between us, we feel like sisters and best friends alright! We share clothes, make-ups, shopping tips and even secrets. But of course, the respect isn't lost, I respect my Mama so much, she's the best mother one can ever hope for.

We celebrated Mama's birthday yesterday though her birthday was actually last Friday, August 21. We sure are happy another year is added to my Mama's life. We her daughters only wish the best for her -- long life, healthy mind and body, maintain her positive outlook and happy disposition, more love, more blessings, more happiness and a stronger relationship and faith with/to God. I know all her grandchildren wished her the same as they all love her so much too.

Papa loves Mama so much and it's not surprising. Many envies Papa for being married to a wonderful person and that their marriage will turn 30 years old on October and I bet they'll be counting more years! Papa is sure lucky to find an industrious, honest, faithful, loyal, beautiful, supportive, loving, caring, sweet, responsible and God-fearing woman!

You're the best Mama! You will always be my most beautiful person in the world. I love you so much. Happy birthday....

 

Listening to: A Song For Mama by Boyz II Men
Feeling: grateful

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Suffering is an Option, Happiness is a Choice
POSTED AT 10:49 PM in My Life and what's left of it..., Big screen ravings

 

 

 

... that's the line that is so stuck in my mind I can't just shake it away.

You guessed it right. I just came home from the movie theater. My bestfriend Floricel said she wants to cry while watching "And I Love You So" and so she asked me to accompany her to the theater. She's lucky that it's my angel's bedtime, hahaha! I just have to give in to her, she's so keen in shedding her tears on that particular movie. Hmmm, maybe she really wants to cry in public and the movie is a good excuse. Oh well, as long as I'm not paying.. hahaha!

Yes, the movie is quite a tear-jerker and funny as well. I say "quite" because I didn't really shed a single tear. I don't know, maybe I can't relate to the movie since I'm not a widow (though I wanna be one so badly, hahaha! Huh! Does it sound like I'm joking?), or maybe because I'm not really a Bea-Sam fan (I love Anne and John Lloyd though), or maybe I got so fed up with crying I rather not do it just because the actress is crying, or maybe my friend is right -- I've become hard-hearted overtime.

Anyway, I know Bea's lines are full of emotions and yes, it can indeed make people cry, but I was more "affected" with Sam's lines, especially the one that I put as a title of this post. I realized it's so true. I mean, I always find an excuse to be lonely. Yes, I know I am living a miserable life -- having been forced into a marriage with a man who hits you and then you found out later that he's gay after all, and then fall inlove with a man who cannot marry you because you can't get an annulment, and then get pregnant and abandoned by another man, and then find myself drowning in endless financial issues, and then get your heart broken again... I mean, I am living a pathetic life I am quite aware of that, but I can always turn a blind eye on them and choose to be happy. Why suffer? What happened already happened. Just as Bea can't bring back the dead, I can't bring back the past, so why still bury myself in miseries and sufferings?

Well, I say, I choose to end my sufferings and I choose to be happy. I have my options -- I want to bring back the sunny disposition that I used to have. I owe it to myself....

Listening to: And I Love You So
Feeling: awake

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