MAY'S JOURNAL
Entries for July, 2009
July 15th, 2009
Let's Get Down To Business POSTED AT 06:49 PM in My Life and what's left of it..., Writing for sanity's sake I only have more or less 5 months to accomplish my writing goals for 2009. Honestly, I've done nothing, which is really disappointing since I've known myself as a woman of my word. I don't break a promise and I promised to finish my book this year. So what have I accomplished so far? Again, nothing. Very disappointing. Yeah, I have all the excuses that I can think of. There's the family problems that pushed me to get busy with relocating. Then there's the job that demands of my time and attention. Then there's my loving partner, I love and miss him so much everyday that I can't let a day pass without "talking" to him. Then there's my little angel, to whom I have become a devoted, hands-on, full-time, single Mom. But despite all these excuses, I should have made time for my writing. It is but my responsibility to maintain my discipline, to follow a rigid schedule no matter what. Sigh.. I must push myself to a strict compliance of my new daily schedule. I am alloting 3 hours everyday for my writing and I must be relentless, determine to fulfill my promise... I hope this will work... 2010 is fast approaching, let's get the ball rolling! Feeling: determined Share your thoughts here.
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July 20th, 2009
Once There Was A Friend POSTED AT 01:57 PM in My Life and what's left of it...
I had a friend once... "had" because
she have chosen to make me a stranger in her life. We've been friends for more
than 10 years. I have always been genuinely happy with her. We laughed at our
own jokes, we jokingly bicker on our misgivings and shortcomings. And though
our social status was different, it never stopped me from admiring her good
qualities -- hard-working, studious, intellectual, and ambitious (albeit too
ambitious at that). I admit I pitied her at the same time as well. Why not? She
stood on her ambitions, willing to fight anybody who stops her and everybody
hated her for that. I was there for her; accepted her flaws, fighting with her,
asking others to understand her, to understand my friendship with her. And I
thought she was happy with that. We both know she was insecure of me -- my life,
my family, my material possessions, my abilities, my friends but I tried to
reach a hand to her. I tried real hard to make her understand that her
friendship is what matters to me. But I know she still thought otherwise. I
sincerely loved her. I admit there were even times that I depended on her
companionship, that I shun away other friends just to be with her. I lost many
friends in the process and it was a mistake I am paying for now. Now, she decided I'm not good enough to be her
friend anymore. She thinks I bring out the worst in her, I can't believe she can
actually say that after all the things I did for her. "I would say her loyalty was remarkable and that is something
I can never repay", true, she really can never repay that,
instead, she did what is unforgivable... She said she's tired of me wasting my
life, am I? If she really is a friend why does she always think that I'm
wasting my time? Just because I unfortunately married a faggot who drinks and
gambles and beats me to death? Or just because I met an irresponsible guy who
made me pregnant and left me on my own? Do I want all these hardships in my life? I think I'm still sane not to want to waste my life but why does she say I am
habitually inviting pain? I admit I always give love a chance, I always hoped
that there could be a good future for me despite all the bad experiences in my
life. Am I wrong to hope for the best and believe again and again? Why does she
felt like she was dragged down just because another boyfriend turned to be a
jerk? And just because I'm falling down again and again she decided she doesn't
want to be friends with me anymore? It's just her, it's just so her. Though she's the most egoistic person I knew
(she never apologized for all the things she's done against me), I know she's
feeling the guilt deep within. The very reason why she felt she can't be my
friend anymore. My being a good, generous and loyal friend wasn't enough for
her. She felt a need to bring me down, to see me crawling, to see me suffer,
while she gloated on her seemingly happy life right now. I am genuinely happy
that she's finally happy. I just hope she can be happy with what I have, with
my being a Mom, something that she wanted and she can never have -- maybe
because it's karma or maybe she isn't just equipped to be one. I will never stop her from hanging out with
friends who make her feel good about herself -- friends who don't get into
trouble and friends who don't make her feel awkward because she isn't as good
as they are in Math or computers. If I knew being Math wizard will make me
unwanted as a friend, I should have been dull in numbers. I guess I'm not as
good in flattery as her other friends are but I certainly didn't remember
looking down on her. I never ever judged her, look down on her inequities, nor
harshly point out on her bad sides. If I am a person who's always in trouble, I
don't think I have the right to point out other people's mess. I have always
respected her views and the way she lived her life. I was hoping she respected
mine too. She hurt me over and over and I forgave her
again and again. But this time, she turned her back on me, I'm not about to
rebuild a friendship that she has flagrantly destroyed due to insecurities and
guilt. She is forgiven though even if she wouldn't ask for one... I just want
her out of my life and hope she'll never come back. Good riddance!
Feeling: relieved |
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July 22nd, 2009
I Will Survive This POSTED AT 09:39 AM in My Life and what's left of it...
There are times that you just have to hold your head up high, blink
away the tears, turn around and whisper goodbye. The truth is, I want to cry, I
really do, but I won't. You see. I don't want to give you the satisfaction of
knowing that you hurt me once again. But I'm still grateful. Because for a
few months you made me feel as though I actually meant something to someone. I
remember you always say you hate to see me hurt and that you hate it more when
you see me cry. Now I realize, all those times that you hurt me, did you close
your eyes? Honestly,
I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again, I didn't ask for it to begin.
But I guess that's the way it is with life. I realize, some of the most
beautiful days come completely by chance. But then again, even the most
beautiful days eventually have their sunsets. “The survival of the fittest is the ageless law of nature,
but the fittest are rarely the strong. The fittest are those endowed with the
qualifications for adaptation, the ability to accept the inevitable and conform
to the unavoidable, to harmonize with existing or changing conditions.” I admit it's really painful to say
goodbye to someone that you don't want to let go but I know that it is even
more painful to ask someone to stay if they never wanted to. Maybe others are
right. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high. Maybe I was in over my head. I
guess it was stupid to think that you loved me, but maybe, just maybe, I just
got tired of being alone. But I realize sometimes it's better to be alone. No
one can hurt you that way. I know
it’s time I let you go... and though I know it is hard to do because part of me
will be in love with you for the rest of my life, I have to end something that
shouldn’t have began in the first place. I just want you to know though that
someday, somehow, I will be able to survive all these. Then you will realize
that since you don't love me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best. It’s
Hard To Say Goodbye There's
something in your eyes that's far too revealing Listening to: It's Hard To Say Goodbye by Celine Dion and Paul Anka Feeling: blank |
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July 31st, 2009
Celebrating Birthdays... POSTED AT 08:55 AM in My Life and what's left of it...
I always love celebrating birthdays of the people I love. Birthdays are just fun and exciting. I love giving gifts as well, it seems birthdays aren't completre without gifts. The "creative" person in me always endeavor to send personalize and home-made gifts. I see it as my way to make the person feel just how much I love him/her. Others don't appreciate it though, they prefer poshy, expensive gifts and I can't say I blame them. Who wouldn't want to receive expensive gifts anyway? But I do hope my gifts are appreciated though. But if they aren't, I can do nothing about it. I'm happy to be able to give something that is said to be a labor of love, something that is personal, something that I thought the person would keep and cherish. Today is a special person's birthday. A very special peson -- my man, my friend, my love. I would love to give him everything he deserves -- a new golf club, those expensive golf gadgets, maybe a new car, a flight to any country he wants to go, a European cruise -- ahhh... if only I can afford those. But I can't. I only have myself to give, my love, my loyalty, my devotion, my promises, my heart, my body, my soul, my everything...
Happy birthday my baby... I wish all the happiness you deserve, all the wonderful things that this life (and beyond) can offer. I love you so much... |
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