He's Out Of My Life
POSTED AT 07:27 PM in My Life and what's left of it...

and it cuts like a knife...

 

Have you ever felt like you just want to disappear, leave everything behind and never come back? I do… right now.

 

Suicide is not an option, it is a crime to take one’s own life.

 

But you know, if only I am alone right now, if only I won’t be leaving someone behind (who’s life might be more comfortable if I’m not the one he’s with), if only I don’t love him so much that I can’t bear to just leave him to the care of other people, I would have contemplated taking my own life.

 

Still, I know nobody’s gonna applaud me for running away from this battle.

 

Yes, I am down there… falling deeper in the pit of the darkness, in the middle of nowhere. Several days ago, I thought I can depend on someone, I thought someone love me enough to help me get through my seemingly neverending issues, but he’s gone now, leaving me just when I need him the most, just when I am alone again and have no one to turn to.

 

I did my best to keep him satisfied.

 

Maybe he just didn’t realize that when he walked out of my life, my hope and strength walked away with him. He didn’t see that I gave my everything to him, only that my everything’s not good enough. And so I was accused of being selfish, of not seeing to his needs. If only he can see that I have given all that he needs according to what I am capable of giving. If only he realized that I gave my all, not only my life, but my sincerest love and devotion. Didn’t he realize I entrusted everything to him, not only my heart, hoping that he wouldn’t break it, but also my soul?

 

Still, it wasn’t enough.

 

He’s got different capabilities and I don’t have those capacities. Still, I was hoping I was able to make him happy and satisfied with what I can offer. But no, to him, he’s the only one giving and I’m taking all the time, not giving him anything – thus making me the most selfish woman in his eyes.

 

But oh, how I love him so.

 

But he doesn’t love me anymore. Pathetic. Yes, I am really dismal and wretched. Now I’m worthless for I have given my all and nothing is left but my will to survive. I hope I’ll survive though, for the sake of my little angel, he’s the only one who loves me now…

 

Life is always cruel to me, I wonder when will it stop pushing me to edge…

Listening to: my heartbeat
Feeling: lost

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