SUDDEN DEATH - Coping up with the pain
POSTED AT 10:01 AM in My Life and what's left of it...

For now I would be lying down in peace; I would be asleep and at rest... (Job 3:13)

These words meant to comfort me in my bereavement state. The words do. Still, I can't seem to stop myself from feeling the pain..

I haven't been blogging for almost a week until now. I am online. I'm supposed to be, since my work is online and I cannot afford to miss work and miss a day's salary. But I felt like a working zombie all these days. I'm... crushed.

I have been grief-stricken, really grieving. GrandPa died last Monday. It was the first news that greeted me on a Monday morning. He was not that old, no, he's definitely young for me. He used to live with us, for many many years, in my Mama's house. Now he's gone, just like that, just like that. It was very sudden.

He was a healthy man. He used to jogged around the house almost every morning. He was very fit. But last Monday, he was suddenly unwell. He was rushed in the hospital because he said he can't breathe. The medical people were puzzled because there seems to be nothing wrong with him. He just left us, he stopped living and embraced death, just like that. The medical people attributed it to old age. Old age! But he's still young!

Mama's message last Monday put me in the hysterical state. I was shocked and then completely devastated. Why not? I haven't seen GrandPa for 5 months, I haven't even kissed him goodbye when I left! Now, I cannot even see him on his burial, even for the last time. It hurts, because I love my GrandPa very much.

I know I cried like a child in the office last Monday but God knows how much I tried to bite my lips and stop the tears from falling. Little Nicholas kept on kicking the entire 2 hours that I cried, maybe he was sad too. I was depressed.

I remembered GrandPa asking me a year ago when I can give him a great grandchild, since I was the only one of his married grandchildren who doesn't have a kid of my own. Little Nicholas is coming, and he never waited for him. Now he's gone, and it's so sudden. I know I should be at least happy that GrandPa's well-rested now but... the pain, the agony of not seeing him again is just too painful to ignore.

To recover fully from a loss means to finish or completely let go. Finishing with a dead loved one does not erase the love or the memories, but it does mean that we have accepted the death, that the pain and sorrow have lessened, and that we feel free to reinvest in our lives. A friend from MYLOT sent me a link that contains these words. The words seem to look really good, really comforting.. but I know it will take time to cope up with the pain completely...

Listening to: Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton
Feeling: depressed

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