It's been six days...
POSTED AT 11:26 AM in My Life and what's left of it...

...and counting still.

I may have to count weeks or even months, but I hope I won't be counting years. I just can't bear the thought.

I know I've been brave to accept my defeat and even told myself I can do it, I can live with it. But lately, I'm having disturbing thoughts. I know, this is the consequence of wanting to have a child of my own, ad I know I deserve this consequence, but isn't there any way to make things a little less painful?

The silence is just so defeaning. I don't think I'll last another week of this. I long to hear my Mama's voice, yet, I know it isn't up to me this time, it's up to her. She calls the shots, it's her turn. Still, I'm hoping that Washington Irving's word will prove true in my life:

A father may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may become inveterate enemies, husbands may desert their wives, wives their husbands.  But a mother's love endures through all.

Mama's love for me was so great I am certain I have worked hard to justify it, but I still find myself looking for that elusive key, for me to become someone she wants me to be... Mama's love for me was patient and forgiving, though others have been vile and forsaking. Even if her heart ws breaking, she still found it in her hard to embrace me, flaws and all... and what have I done?

I miss Mama...

She has been God's way of giving me strength. Her wisdom flows in my vein, her affection has been the food for my soul. Now I'm weakening, I feel so weary, I want my Mama...

It's been six days...

Reading: Black Blade by Eric Van Lustbader
Listening to: Reflection by Lea Salonga
Feeling: calm

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