Take Me Out of the Dark...
POSTED AT 02:30 PM in My Life and what's left of it...

The other night, after realizing some facts that have been challenging me for the past few months now, I came to accept defeat. I felt defeated and deflated. Again, I wrote another entry to my Failures List notebook. I can see the list is growing and my Achievements List is lagging so far behind, it's not even half of the other list, but well, I told myself, that's how things are. I did try my best, it wasn't good enough though.

The other night, I felt myself in the dark again. It isn't because I turned off the lights in my room as early as 6:00 PM, it's because I can sense darkness looming in my life again. I knew this feeling, this has been my constant visitor ever since I came across the fact that I can never be someone they wanted me to be. This has been both my friend and enemy, this darkness which covers my heart and my soul, affecting the way my brain processes eveything that comes my way, even affecting my sight.

The other night, my friend and my enemy, the darkness, visited me again. It was my constant companion, so I thought it should be considered as a friend, it was always there for me and I realized I welcome it with open arms since it has been there everytime something's amiss. However, it was my enemy as well, because it allowed me to stumble and fall. Why wouldn't I? I was without light, only darkness envelopes my life and so I came falling and falling into the pit of nowhere...

The other night, I started revolting against my friend's best enemy. My friend, the darkness, has been whispering these things to me. It tells me vague phrases such as "He has left you.." or "Can't you see He's forsaken you again?" or "Turn your back on Him as He's done on you..." I thought I'm going crazy. With hands trembling, I reached out for my Little Nicholas' first book, you know, the one I told you about, the one which will teach my little angel how good He is, He, my friend's best enemy... I was about to throw it on the floor, then I felt something kicked me on my belly... Can you imagine that? My Little Nicholas knows I'm about to do something against his very own possession and he wants me to go back to my senses and put the book back to where it belong. I felt so ashamed.

My friend, the darkness, whispered something on my ears once more, it says "What? You are letting that little bastard stop you from doing what should be done? That brat who ruined your life? That thing you call your little angel who was given to you by your so-called Father but then threatens to rob you of your so-called salvation? That good-for-nothing brat! What has it done to you? Made your family turn your back in you? Is that it? And you're letting it do that to you again! Fight it! It's easy, it's inside you, you may even put a stop at its existence if you want to! C'mon! Kill it!"

Something snapped on me when I heard the word "kill". I killed someone once, didn't I? Look what happened to my life. Must I do that again? Will it make everything alright again? Would it make them love me again? Would it make them welcome me back in their lives again? Will it satisfy them then? To see me kill it?

I asked my friend,  are you talking about my Little Nicholas?

My friend said "Who else? Isn't that little thing the reason why you're depressed right now? Why everybody left you?" I can feel my friend smiling so cunningly when it said "Hah! Isn't that brat the reason too why you are not welcome in your church anymore? The reason why your so-called God closed His eyes on you? Turned a deaf ear on your pleas?" I started to believe it, it's words are like music to my ears.

Then I felt myself floating into nothingness. I felt myself going numb. I think my friend is trying to sing me a lullaby, it wants me to sleep and fall deeper and deeper into nothingness.....

I woke up with a splitting headache again. What happened? I asked myself... Then  my friend loomed over me again, it descended upon me like it's so happy to finally find a home to settle in. I let it anyways. I said, who cares? Let it stay inside. At least I have someone to talk to, someone who'll let me cast the blame to others, someone who'll make me feel clean and indignant.

I made it through the whole day yesterday I guess. I treated it but another normal day, but of course something's different, my friend, the darkness is accompanying me wherever I go. This time, I'm not alone.

Then last night, as I lay down on my bed, getting ready for another session with my friend, my eyes caught the picture frame hanging on the wall. I never even thought of anything, except that I'm seeing images, happy faces, but my eyes watered again. My friend started to talk "Yes, look at them, they're lost to you now". With a calm voice I asked him "You talk like I should be happy about it, do you think this is fun?" It said "Of course it is fun! Isn't it fun to be free of them at last?"

I thought about Little Nicholas then, do I want him to be happy to have me out of his life? Oh no! The mere thought of it is killing me, like a knife plunging into my heart. No.... This is no fun. I can feel Little Nicholas jumping in my belly. Oh that's so sweet, I thought. He's happy now, knowing that I'm beginning to fight with my friend.

My friend got mad at me. I can feel it. It's not happy with the way my brain is running at that very moment, especially when a song popped into my mind like a light bulb...

Just what is it in me? Sometimes I just don't know what keeps me in your love. Why you never let me go. And though you're in me now. I fall and hurt you still. My Lord please show me how to know just how you feel. You have forgiven me too many times it seems. I feel I'm not what you might call a worthy Christian after all. And though I love you so temptations finds it's way to me...

Yes, my friend is but a temptation.. I shouldn't let it win over me again.

Teach me to trust in You with all of my heart. To lean not on my own understanding coz' I just forget You won't give me what we can't bear. Take me out of the dark My Lord I don't want to be there...

I don't want to stay in this darkness right? Or do I? But it has given me such freedom.. it has given me reasons the way not anybody else has given me. God? What about God? Oh, that He has given me reasons as well? But what reasons has He given me for this life? What's the reason for this useless life?

You never left my side. You gave Your hand to me to hold You,oh Jesus. I'm no longer in the cold. And yet I leave You there when I feel satisfied. I'd like to thank You everyday not only when I feel that way. I've never known a man who'd give His life for sinners like me. And yet because He loves us so. He promised us eternity. And we can have His promise and be His if have faith and just believe..

Believe? That's it? It's that simple? But I never stopped believing didn't I? Now tell me where this belief led me! Then something, or maybe someone, whispered to me... "Act on your belief..."

Oh! But I acted on that belief... Well, didn't I? Didn't I? I can hear myself almost shouting "Didn't I do everything that my faith compelled me to do? Didn't I?" Then I felt like a baby, crying out loud. I realized I've embraced myself, cuddled my own body knowing nobody else will do it for me now. Oh! How I long for someone's embrace, for someone to hold me and promise me everything will be alright. 

Where are You? Why aren't You taking me out of this nothingness? Oh please I implore You... I beg You... Please... Take me out of the dark....

Listening to: Take Me Out of the Dark by Gary Valenciano
Feeling: dark

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