I wrote this poem two years ago, during the time when I felt so lost and so at loss. I can still remember how stupid I was for committing my second unsuccessful suicide attempt then... It was as if the earth has just opened at my feet and swallowed me whole. It was as if I'm drowning in a murky pool of wasted lives and no one was there to save me. It was those times when I thought life has finally come to its ultimate end. I remembered my life then, like a flashback, all those scenes, making me moan in the darkness of my room, making me shiver with cold while I'm covered with sweat... I remembered grabbing my favorite notebook and my pen and with hands shaking, I started to scribble my suicide note. But instead of a few words of goodbye, I came up with these nostalgic phrases and I can't seem to stop myself from doing so. Then it suddenly struck me I can't die, not yet. No one will allow me to be freed from this pain, I cannot walk away from it now. I'm the star of this over-dramatic script and there's no one who can replace me yet. I have to live and endure the shattering and maddening pain of living...

Alone…
 
A happy childhood, I once had one
Once…..
But now, finding myself alone,
   it’s like reality slapping me on the face,
     painfully… mercilessly…   agonizingly slow… deadly…
Yet I’m alive,
Yes, I’m alive
   not because I’m fortunate,
   not because I’m given another chance
But because…
   it would be unfair for the world
To see me get away with it
   while others cannot
I have to feel the pain
I have to bear the hurt
I have to cry
I have to die…
Then live again,
For what? For whom?
I’m alone….

P.S. This poem was published in a local newspaper in Davao City (Sun Star Davao - Dagmay Section)  on April 13, 2008. My thanks to the people behind the Davao Writer's Guild for praising my literary contribution...

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