I've always been a fighter; for me, giving up on something is a cardinal sin. I only fight for what I think is the best for everybody, not for myself alone but for the sake of all concern.

More than five years ago, I put up a fight. It was the most important fight of my life. Why? Because the result of which will determine the most important chapters of my life. I was forced to do something I do not want to do, to accept something I don't have enough idea of, to love and care for someone I don't really know that much, to enter a life of no return, to be forever doomed, to be forever miserable.

I put up a fight. Oh how I fought... all in vain. I lost the game. My dad won that one. I conceded defeat. I accepted my fate. But I accepted it with grace. Positively, I reasoned, I could always make my "losing" a "winning". So I started yet another fight.

I endeavored to be a good better-half. I gave up everything just to prove first to myself and to everybody that I can make life meaningful after a failure. I gave up my career, I gave up my dreams. I gave up my promises to the most important woman in my life. It wasn't enough. This time, I lost again. My ex-husband won that battle.

After almost two years of swimming in the lake of miseries and troubles, of self-pity and despair, of never-ending cries, of pains, of deaths over and over again... I dreamt of entering another game again, and this time, I wanted so much to win. I realized, this could be the final battle of my romantic life. I have to win this, and in so-doing I can erase all the losings that I had in the past. I got excited, thinking all along that I can do this, all I need is just a good plan.

So, three years ago, I started another fight... a fight for freedom and happiness. There were so many distractions, so many advocates of the devil who wants me turn to the other sides and take up another fight. I concentrated on my own game. I wanted to be free of all the pains. I didn't mind living a solitary life. I gave up on romantic illusions, on the hopes that someday, I'll be happy again in the arms of a suitable man. I just gave up on those romantic stuffs to win my own battle to freedom.

I can feel myself losing this one again. I'm so close to giving up, I'm not sure if I will be able to hold out anymore. Ending my life would be a faster route to ending the battle but still it's not winning... I'm tired of losing all the games of life. Yet, I'm not giving up, I have more than enough reasons to survive this battle. I just have to count my blessings and I'll come out as the winner soon.. real soon.

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