MAY'S JOURNAL
June 30th, 2009
He's Out Of My Life POSTED AT 07:27 PM in My Life and what's left of it...
and it cuts like a knife...
Have you ever felt like you just want to disappear, leave
everything behind and never come back? I do… right now. Suicide is not an option, it is a crime to
take one’s own life. But you know, if only I am alone right now, if only I
won’t be leaving someone behind (who’s life might be more comfortable if I’m
not the one he’s with), if only I don’t love him so much that I can’t bear to
just leave him to the care of other people, I would have contemplated taking my
own life. Still, I know nobody’s gonna applaud me for
running away from this battle. Yes, I am down there… falling deeper in the pit of the
darkness, in the middle of nowhere. Several days ago, I thought I can depend on
someone, I thought someone love me enough to help me get through my seemingly
neverending issues, but he’s gone now, leaving me just when I need him the
most, just when I am alone again and have no one to turn to. I did my best to keep him satisfied. Maybe he just didn’t realize that when he walked out of my
life, my hope and strength walked away with him. He didn’t see that I gave my
everything to him, only that my everything’s not good enough. And so I was
accused of being selfish, of not seeing to his needs. If only he can see that I
have given all that he needs according to what I am capable of giving. If only
he realized that I gave my all, not only my life, but my sincerest love and
devotion. Didn’t he realize I entrusted everything to him, not only my heart,
hoping that he wouldn’t break it, but also my soul? Still, it wasn’t enough. He’s got different capabilities and I don’t have those
capacities. Still, I was hoping I was able to make him happy and satisfied with
what I can offer. But no, to him, he’s the only one giving and I’m taking all
the time, not giving him anything – thus making me the most selfish woman in
his eyes. But oh, how I love him so. But he doesn’t love me anymore. Pathetic. Yes, I am really
dismal and wretched. Now I’m worthless for I have given my all and nothing is
left but my will to survive. I hope I’ll survive though, for the sake of my little
angel, he’s the only one who loves me now… Life is always cruel to me, I wonder when
will it stop pushing me to edge… Listening to: my heartbeat Feeling: lost Share your thoughts here.
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June 30th, 2009
Nothing Gold Can Stay Indeed POSTED AT 03:53 AM in My Life and what's left of it... And so goodbye Facebook, goodbye Friendster, goodbye Skype... and I'll think about sayng goodbye to Yahoo as well. I guess this is all my fault, he says everything's my fault. I'm too weary, too tired to fight for myself. If that's how he sees me, if that's how he knows me, if that's how much he wants to hurt me, i can do nothing about it. He won't be coming back, and so a part of me has died. Well, this is life. Goodbye... I know you are happy now, stay happy, don't worry about me, I'll survive this... Listening to: I Love You Goodbye Feeling: dying |
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June 19th, 2009
On Passing the 2-Month Mark POSTED AT 05:00 AM in My Life and what's left of it... I know it's not much (yet) but I'm so happy I wanted to celebrate it I am certain there'll be more trials, more problems, more issues, and yes, maybe more tears, And so I'm counting Happy "monthsary" my baby... Feeling: cheerful |
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I'm just so ecstatic to know that even with the age gap and the distance between us, not to mention the differences that we have on our personalities, we still managed to "conquer" and "beat" all odds. Amazing what love can do to people huh?
but those won't stop me from achiving forever with him. This is for keeps, I wnt him to be the last man in my life.
and I will be counting more months and then years... and then... here comes forever...
I love you so much.June 18th, 2009
Stronger... Happier... POSTED AT 03:07 PM in My Life and what's left of it... I thought it was the end of the world… I thought everything will be cold… I have feared for tomorrow… Knowing that it will be filled with sorrow…
But then you came and proved me wrong… You showed me that in your arms I belong… You didn’t want me to live in misery… All you wanted is for me to be happy…
I am thankful that you shed light on to my mind… It just shows that you’re so loving and kind… You have such qualities from others I can’t find… And I am so blessed that till now you are mine…
Baby, thank you for not giving up on us… Thank you for giving me a love that lasts… I am now assured that your adoration is pure… Always and forever our love will endure… Listening to: Don't Give Up On Us Baby Feeling: optimistic |
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June 16th, 2009
Enough POSTED AT 11:42 AM in My Life and what's left of it... I know when I'm wanted where I'm wanted... thus, I definitely know when I'm not wanted where I'm not wanted, right? Confusing? Oh well, that's life. This isn't home sweet home for me. I realized this house is too small for all of us. One should sacrifice to maintain the orderliness of this house and I guess, unfortunately (again), I should take the sacrifice. I should have seen this coming. I should have prepared myself for this. I feel sorry for myself for facing this kind of dilemma right now. They say when all others fail you, your family will be there to catch you. This time, the cliche' isn't working for me. I needed them but enough is enough, I have to go away... again. Listening to: I Love You Goodbye Feeling: hurt |
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